PPD
postpartum depression
i've debated on posting about this subject. it's definitely a touchy subject and is sometimes hard to talk about.
BUT...
it really needs to be talked about.
so, here's my story.
after our roller coaster of a few weeks in january, i was so excited to get back to normal, recover, have a routine and to start this new adventure. after having my surgery i felt so much better and that next week nick went back to work. i was on my own at home with ellie. i was so excited and things were going great. but during the second week of him being back at work things started to not feel right. i could tell i was feeling more anxious, depressed, disconnected from ellie. i chalked it up to the rough few weeks i had and my hormones just being out of whack.
but things started to get bad. i was getting frustrated so easily, i was crying constantly. when ellie cried, i cried. one day i got so frustrated that ellie was screaming and i couldn't figure out how to buckle her into her swing. i was in a full mental breakdown. one night i was crying so much i couldn't even feed her. i had to hand her off to nick. i knew something was wrong but i still wanted to be strong and do everything on my own.
one morning i had texted nick after he got to work and asked if he could come work from home. i was fed up. and to be honest, i wanted nothing to do with ellie. so nick came home and was able to help me out that day. it definitely helped, but i still was an emotional hot mess. that night around 4 a.m. ellie started crying, and it hadn't been long since she ate. i started crying in bed, i tried to be quiet because i didn't want nick to hear me. like i said, i wanted to be strong.
but he heard me... and asked me what was going on.
i sobbed and said "i hate my life."
i regretted ellie. i wanted things to be the way they used to be. i constantly was thinking i had ruined our lives and that things were better just the two of us.
que panic attack.
at that point both nick and i knew something was really wrong and this was more than just the baby blues and my anxiety. i instantly got on my computer and emailed my doctor.
the next morning my doctors office called me. there was only so much she could do so she suggested that i go to the behavioral health center at the hospital. it's basically an ER for patients with mental health problems.
i was nervous. i didn't want to go there. i just wanted to talk to my doctor, she knew what was going on. but, it's not her area of expertise. yes, she knows all about postpartum depression. but i needed help immediately. and i needed help from someone that could talk me through what was going on and dig deep into my brain.
so nick and i got ellie in her car seat and headed up to the hospital. we walked in and the entrance is just this tiny room with an office and lockers. i told them what was going on and they checked me in. they told me nick could not come with me and i needed to empty my pockets and give all my belongings to nick. they then scanned me with a metal detector and let me go in. at that point i was officially freaked out. i felt like a nut case, i felt stupid, i felt like i didn't need to be there, i felt alone.
after they did all my vitals they then sent me into a room with a crisis counselor/psychiatrist.
she asked for the basics of what was going on then all the sudden she dug DEEP into my brain... like i'm talking we went all the way back to high school and college. but, i'll spare you all those details of my life.
after almost talking to her for 2 hours i was able to go home. i was so relieved they didn't admit me. i really didn't want another hospital stay. i was given new medication and some tips and tricks to help with the postpartum depression at home. she also suggested that nick take a leave from work. she felt it was best that i wasn't alone with the baby for a bit. i felt like a kid. i felt like i was being punished and that i wasn't able to be trusted with my own baby. i was crushed. i felt like a failure as a mom.
but i was NOT a failure. i just needed a little extra help. and it's ok to ask for help.
having nick take a leave from work was the best thing for me. for us. i realized that i did need to get my emotions under control and also have time to let the medication really start working. it was good because nick was able to bond with ellie. nick and i were able to figure out our new journey of parenthood. we were able to get a fresh new start after everything that we went through.
these past few months have been some of the hardest times, but also some of the most rewarding. i'm so grateful that nick has been able to have some time off work. it really has been so helpful and we have been able to work on getting me back to feeling myself again and to also just be a little family.
postpartum depression is real. SO real.
this post was not easy for me to write, but i hope it can help someone out.
because there is help. and there is hope. you just have to reach out. and it's ok to feel a little crazy after having a baby.
PPD will go away. it's not permanent. just be patient with yourself, your baby, and your spouse.
after the complete hell i've been through, it's all been worth it. i have a beautiful daughter. and i wouldn't trade her for anything in this world.
but things started to get bad. i was getting frustrated so easily, i was crying constantly. when ellie cried, i cried. one day i got so frustrated that ellie was screaming and i couldn't figure out how to buckle her into her swing. i was in a full mental breakdown. one night i was crying so much i couldn't even feed her. i had to hand her off to nick. i knew something was wrong but i still wanted to be strong and do everything on my own.
one morning i had texted nick after he got to work and asked if he could come work from home. i was fed up. and to be honest, i wanted nothing to do with ellie. so nick came home and was able to help me out that day. it definitely helped, but i still was an emotional hot mess. that night around 4 a.m. ellie started crying, and it hadn't been long since she ate. i started crying in bed, i tried to be quiet because i didn't want nick to hear me. like i said, i wanted to be strong.
but he heard me... and asked me what was going on.
i sobbed and said "i hate my life."
i regretted ellie. i wanted things to be the way they used to be. i constantly was thinking i had ruined our lives and that things were better just the two of us.
que panic attack.
at that point both nick and i knew something was really wrong and this was more than just the baby blues and my anxiety. i instantly got on my computer and emailed my doctor.
the next morning my doctors office called me. there was only so much she could do so she suggested that i go to the behavioral health center at the hospital. it's basically an ER for patients with mental health problems.
i was nervous. i didn't want to go there. i just wanted to talk to my doctor, she knew what was going on. but, it's not her area of expertise. yes, she knows all about postpartum depression. but i needed help immediately. and i needed help from someone that could talk me through what was going on and dig deep into my brain.
so nick and i got ellie in her car seat and headed up to the hospital. we walked in and the entrance is just this tiny room with an office and lockers. i told them what was going on and they checked me in. they told me nick could not come with me and i needed to empty my pockets and give all my belongings to nick. they then scanned me with a metal detector and let me go in. at that point i was officially freaked out. i felt like a nut case, i felt stupid, i felt like i didn't need to be there, i felt alone.
after they did all my vitals they then sent me into a room with a crisis counselor/psychiatrist.
she asked for the basics of what was going on then all the sudden she dug DEEP into my brain... like i'm talking we went all the way back to high school and college. but, i'll spare you all those details of my life.
after almost talking to her for 2 hours i was able to go home. i was so relieved they didn't admit me. i really didn't want another hospital stay. i was given new medication and some tips and tricks to help with the postpartum depression at home. she also suggested that nick take a leave from work. she felt it was best that i wasn't alone with the baby for a bit. i felt like a kid. i felt like i was being punished and that i wasn't able to be trusted with my own baby. i was crushed. i felt like a failure as a mom.
but i was NOT a failure. i just needed a little extra help. and it's ok to ask for help.
having nick take a leave from work was the best thing for me. for us. i realized that i did need to get my emotions under control and also have time to let the medication really start working. it was good because nick was able to bond with ellie. nick and i were able to figure out our new journey of parenthood. we were able to get a fresh new start after everything that we went through.
these past few months have been some of the hardest times, but also some of the most rewarding. i'm so grateful that nick has been able to have some time off work. it really has been so helpful and we have been able to work on getting me back to feeling myself again and to also just be a little family.
postpartum depression is real. SO real.
this post was not easy for me to write, but i hope it can help someone out.
because there is help. and there is hope. you just have to reach out. and it's ok to feel a little crazy after having a baby.
PPD will go away. it's not permanent. just be patient with yourself, your baby, and your spouse.
after the complete hell i've been through, it's all been worth it. i have a beautiful daughter. and i wouldn't trade her for anything in this world.
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