Gratitude

grat·i·tude

ˈɡradəˌt(y)o͞od/

noun

1. the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.

OK, I'm going to be honest. I have been BURSTING with gratitude lately. 

I love seeing facebook/instagram gratitude posts. I haven't done them myself, but every time I see someone's I can't help but think about something I'm grateful for.

A few weeks ago in Young Women's we had a lesson on being grateful. And one of the activities was to assign each of the girls a letter from the alphabet and they had to list things they were grateful for with that letter. 

I got the letter D.

D!

What in the world was I grateful for that started with that letter?? So it really got me thinking. Here's what I thought of:

Denise (of course, because I'm awesome)

Dogs

Dresses

Dad

Doors

Deseret Book

D.I.

Doritos Locos Tacos

It really was hard to think of things with the letter D. Which was the point of the lesson. Sometimes we forget the little things that we are grateful for.. like doors. 

Like I said at the beginning of my post, lately I have been bursting with gratitude, and of course blogging about it is just what I wanted to do. 

So, here we go.

Nick.

He is my rock. My world. My love. My best friend. I'm so grateful for him, he does so much for us and I am so glad I am his wife. I couldn't imagine life without him. Thank you for everything you do for me.

HairMax.

Where do I even begin? I had such a hard time finding a salon up here in Davis county. HairMax was my last stop after a day of applying at salons and they were honestly my last hope. I can't even begin to tell you how excited I was when they hired me. I am so grateful to work there, I love everyone I work with so much. They really have become a 2nd family to me. 

Layton.

Our move to Layton honestly was such a great decision. I love living up here. I love our neighborhood, we have some pretty awesome neighbors! 

And our ward up here is amazing. I love our callings too, it's been so fun to have us both working with the youth.

Medicine.

A few months ago I posted about my anxiety. You can read the post here. I am so glad I put my pride aside and went to a doctor. I'm still not perfect and I have anxiety come and go. But honestly I feel so much better. I'm so grateful for a doctor that sat and listened to me and helped figured out what was best for me.

I won't bore you with everything else I'm grateful for. But honestly, ever since that lesson in Young Women's I have just felt so grateful, even with the little things. Those cute Beehives sure came up with some great things to be grateful for with the letters they were assigned, and it just really made me stop and think that it's not that hard to just take a little time out of my day and think of the little things to be grateful for. 

You should try it! Here's a letter to start with...

M

ward trunk or treat

I love Halloween. It's my favorite holiday.

I love that our ward does a trunk or treat, it's the perfect kick off to the holiday!

This year the Young Women did a little carnival for the primary kids. It turned out so great! The laurels did face painting, the mia maids did a fishing pond, and the beehives did doughnut on a string.

I went a little over board on the doughnuts... which is a good thing because I think some kids came back like 5 or 6 times! And of course a few of the youth came and had a try at it.

After everyone ate and the carnival died down, it was time for trunk or treating! It's so fun to see all the kids in their costumes. Of course Nick and I dress up.

Nick is such a good sport with Halloween costumes. I usually come up with them, but he thought of these costumes last year! I've been waiting all year for this. It was fun to finally see it all come together.

After a fun night of trunk or treating, a FiiZ run was in order. Especially for Nick... poor guy had a headache from his wig and goggles. Of course a diet coke would do the trick.

One night of Halloween fun down, one more to go.

the random man at bowmans.

Ok, let me give some background on this story before I jump right in.

Monday morning I did not feel like getting up and doing my hair. So I decided to sleep an extra hour and have it be a mandatory hat day for me.

So I wore my straw fedora hat to work.

Now for the real story.

So it was finally lunch time and I decided I wanted a loaded baked potato from Bowman's and of course a drink from FiiZ.

So I drove to Bowman's first. (yup it's across the street from my work and I drove...can you say lazy??)

I got out of my car and saw an older gentleman walking in as well, he looked at me and said "Where did you get that hat?? You must have done theater to get a hat like that!" 

So I just smiled and said "No, just a lazy day today."

Then he noticed my apron and my wedding ring and says "Wow, a hairdresser too! And you're married! How long have you been married? 3 years?"

Me: "No, I've actually been married for 5 years going on 6.

Him: "Wow! You must be getting older then! Did you marry young and marry one of those RM's fresh off their mission??"

Me (laughing): "Yeah basically, I'm 26 and I got married at 20"

Him: "Any kids yet?"

Me: "No, not yet."

Him: "Well that's alright! You're doing things right! Sorry if I am getting personal!"

Me (still giggling): "You are fine!"

Him: "One more question, how long did it take for you after you got married to tell your husband to stop doing certain things that bothered you?"

Me: "Hmmm...I don't know, maybe a day or two"

Him: "I bet it was a few hours! HAHA! Have a great day!"

I seriously can't even begin to tell you all how much this man reminded me of my grandpa, and Nick! 

My grandpa would stop anyone he felt like talking to and just have a random conversation with them. We have some many pictures of him just sitting with strangers carrying on a conversation. I love it. And Nick already does stuff like this, so I called Nick and told him what had happened and I told him that would be him in the future.

So, to the random man at Bowman's...

Thanks for making my Monday that much better and for making me laugh. 

It's little things like this that just make my day.

forgive and forget

Forgive and forget.

This is something I need to tell myself more often. 

With past events that have happened this year, which I will not go into detail about, I've learned that holding onto a grudge is not healthy. And to be honest, it's exhausting! 

I know holding onto grudges is not good for my anxiety. Because I will dwell on it and think about it and eventually I will just want to explode. I will do whatever it takes to keep anxiety out of my life, and better yet another panic attack.

So, moving on and letting go is what I did.

And I feel so much better. Life is so much better, more positive.

I don't dwell on what happened anymore. And because of that I'm more happy... and to be honest, I'm sure Nick is too. I know it was exhausting for him to have to deal with all my venting and worries. (but he was the best support through everything, I don't know what I would have done without him.)

Being the bigger person is hard, and setting your pride aside is just as hard, but it also can help you feel so much better. 

I'm glad I've moved on and let go. It was needed.

Hard Work

I have a major problem with comparing myself to others.

I did it a lot when Nick and I were first married. 

I felt like we were doing so well with money, jobs etc. Then one little thing would happen and I felt like we hit rock bottom. 

I would see friends that would go on vacations all the time, buy the latest and greatest thing, and then here we were... working our butts off just to have enough to pay bills.

But, let me back up a little bit.

In our 5 years of marriage we have moved six times. Six.

Nick has always had a good job and when we were first married I was unemployed. But eventually I found one, can't remember where.. But I do know I had so many jobs when Nick and I were first married. 

Eventually just having a "job" wasn't so fun to me anymore. I really wanted to do something different. I really wanted to go back to school but I didn't know what I would major in, I had so many interests. But, always in the back of my mind for as long as I can remember, I always wanted to do cosmetology school. 

So after being fed up working in the food industry (funny I know cause I went to Culinary school too) I came home and told Nick I had signed up for hair school. 

It was time to make a change. And I was so excited.

But then again... life happens, and I felt like we hit rock bottom again.

Nick was working full time, started school and had another part time job. I was in school full time and had a part time job.

We never saw each other.

This was a rough time in our lives. Church wasn't important, I made some not good friends at my job, and in all honesty Nick and I had no motivation. No motivation for church, our marriage, friends, anything. 

We eventually knew we needed to make changes in our life. 

After a move to downtown Salt Lake, we felt like we had a new start. It was just what we needed. I can't even begin to tell you how that move downtown helped our lives so much.

After a year of being there we felt like we were ready to buy a house. 

So here we are, in Layton, in our new house.

And how did we get here?

HARD WORK AND DEDICATION.

I'm so beyond grateful that Nick and I have worked so hard to get where were are. 

Marriage is never easy. It's something you have to work at. Its worth it. And I'm so grateful for the experiences we have had to be able to get where we are today. Everything in our lives has been worth all the stress, tears, anger, and sadness. 

Because I've never been happier with anyone else. 

We are the perfect team.

anxiety-the struggle is real.

I never thought I would post something like this. But it always seems to help me when I write about things. 

This is a subject that I've always been ashamed to talk about and have never really been open about it. But lately I've realized it's ok to be open about it and that there is nothing wrong with me. 

So. Here it goes.

My name is Denise and I struggle with anxiety and severe panic attacks.

Anxiety has always been a part of my life. I just never really realized it until I got older. 

My first year down at UVU was when it all started. That was a really hard year for me. You really start to get to know yourself when you are out on your own. I am so lucky to have had some great roommates that helped me through some hard hard times.

I also finally realized that I can tell my mom ANYTHING. Seriously you guys, TALK TO YOUR MOTHER! She lent me her shoulder to cry on many times during that year of school. I can truly say that my mom is my very best friend.

Anyways, we will fast forward to the summer of 2009. The first time I had a panic attack. I didn't really understand what was going on, I had never had one before. It was late and my parents were in bed and I wasn't really sure what to do. My sister was still awake and out on the front porch with her boyfriend Brian (her now husband.) They let me sit with them and tried to calm me down. It was honestly the scariest thing ever. But I eventually calmed down and was able to go back to sleep. 

I remember just kind of shrugging it off like nothing had happened and moved on, I honestly don't know if my parents ever even found out about it.  

A few months later I started dating Nick, everything was good and I was super happy. Anxiety never got in the way, I would stress every now and then but nothing major. 

I had one little panic attack the day before my wedding but it was nothing compared to the one I had a few months before. But everything was fine and our wedding day was perfect.

I loved being a newlywed and was so excited to start the next chapter with Nick.

Everyone says your first year of marriage is the hardest.

FALSE.

Well, at least for us anyways. I feel like our first year was a breeze! So was our second and third. 

Then last year happened. Nicks dad passed away. It's something I always knew would happen, but it was still so hard. I was so hard on myself about how I didn't spend enough time with him, how my kids would never know Grandpa Larry, and also trying to help Nick out. 

Then that same summer we moved to Layton, a new area where we knew no one. I quickly started  to learn that I do not handle change very well. We luckily are in a great ward that welcomed us with open arms. Which definitely helped out.  

Then I was working at a soda shop as a General Manager, STRESSFUL. And I was also not doing hair. I just felt like everything was a jumbled mess. I always felt so anxious and panicky. Nothing felt right. I'd get up, go to work, come home and that was it. 

I eventually knew I needed to leave the soda shop, I figured it would just resolve all the anxiety I had. So I started applying for jobs at salons.

After many salon visits. I found the best salon ever.

But, things didn't end the way I thought they would at the soda shop. I ended up just trying moving on and tried to forget about it.

Que the second panic attack I've had.

Poor Nick has never seen anything like it. He helped me through it and calmed me down. I still had days where I felt anxious. But I just kept ignoring it. I didn't want to have it. I wanted to feel normal. 

But, it never went away. I would get anxiety over the littlest things and of course over the big things. 

In July I had probably one of the hardest clients I've ever dealt with. I stayed very late at the salon to make sure my client left happy. So I finally went home and Nick and I were able to go get some dinner. I really tried so hard to get over what had just happened with the client. But my brain does not allow me to do that, I just keep thinking about it and replayed EVERYTHING in my head. My mom called and I told her what had happened. My heart was racing.

So usually when I feel anxious I like to go on drives, so Nick and I started to go on one. I have never felt so claustrophobic in my life. I honestly wanted to jump out of the car. So I told Nick to go home. 

We got home.

Que the third panic attack.

This one, oh man. Was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me. It was awful.

I felt sick, light headed, dizzy, my body was as stiff as a board. I didn't know what to do. I was having terrible thoughts, I told myself over and over again I was a horrible hairdresser and that I was going to quit my job. I knew I needed help. 

Nick finally asked me if I wanted to go to the E.R.

The EMERGENCY ROOM!

You guys, that freaked me out so bad. I thought they were going to think I was a total nut case and they were going to put me in a psych ward. 

Instead, he called my parents. And they talked us out of going there and at 1 a.m. they came all the way to Layton and sat with me. And that was the best thing than what any doctor could do. 

I knew I needed to seek some help about this. It was decided that I would go to work the next day and call a doctor the next week to find out what we could do.

And I am so grateful that I went to the doctor. He was so helpful and was able to convince me that I am NORMAL. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with me. This is just how I was made. 

So yes, I take medicine for my anxiety and that's ok. I am still Denise! I am still me!

I've learned so much from all of this, and learned to not be ashamed of this anymore. I am so grateful for my husband who has helped and supported me through all of this. And also my parents, it was so nice to finally let them know about what was going on. It honestly wasn't worth it to hide my problems from them.

Sorry about the long and lengthy post. This honestly was so good for me to write this all out. So thanks if you read all of this. I'm so grateful for all of you.

-Denise

time for an update

I figured it was time to update my blog since it has been since September since I updated it. 

I kind of stopped writing in general, I used to write in my journal every day. I had a "grateful" journal that I would write in every night about what I was grateful for through out the day.

When my father-in-law passed away last June I started writing in it as a normal journal, writing down my thoughts and feelings during the whole experience of him passing away and the funeral. After a few weeks of writing, it started to get exhausting. It was emotionally exhausting. I wasn't ready to write about it. So I stopped. 

But...

I'm back and ready to write again! And finish my journal.

So what are Nick and I up to?

Well, Nick is still working at Clark Security and going to school. He is a little more than halfway done with school. (yay!)

As for me, I am still working at FiiZ. Although my last day is next Friday, such a bittersweet feeling. I'm going to miss everyone there. But I am so excited for my new job at the salon. I seriously found the perfect salon. I am so incredibly happy to be there and love everyone I work with. They make me feel like family. 

We are also enjoying being homeowners. It's so nice to have our own place, we are slowly but surely making it our own.

Nick and I also have callings in our ward, I am the Beehive adviser in the Young Women, and Nick is the Teacher's adviser in the Young Men. 

I love my calling and I know Nick loves his. It has been so fun to work with the youth. I know we were meant to have these callings. 

I know we are right where we are supposed to be. 

Life. Is. Great.