ellie marie barfuss {part 2}

so nick and i left the hospital and headed home. i'm pretty sure i cried the whole way home. i was just a hot mess and full of emotions. we both ended up taking a nap when we got home, which was much needed before we headed back up to the hospital again to see ellie. 

having a nicu baby is very exhausting. i was trying to breastfeed her and pump so i could deliver the milk for the nurses to give her when i couldn't be there. breastfeeding is really hard. especially to a baby that is early. she's doing all these things that she shouldn't be doing yet. it's like running a marathon, getting her to latch exhausted her, and my milk wasn't in so she wasn't getting food right away so she would get frustrated. it was hard for the both of us.

saturday 1/26 rolled around. we went to breakfast with my parents and headed up to the hospital to see ellie. it was my moms birthday so of course seeing ellie was a good way to start her day. that morning i woke up not feeling the best. at breakfast i felt very hot and flushed. i just kept telling myself i was tired and i just had a baby so it was normal. 

after my parents left we stayed at the hospital and waited for ellie's next feeding. by the time we got back to the nicu, ellie had been moved from the isolette into a bassinet! ellie was progressing and it was so great to see. 

later that night we went back up to the hospital with nick's brother chris. while we were there that was when we started to notice ellie's  twitching. we asked the nurse about it and they said she just had an underdeveloped nervous system since she was born prematurely. so we just stayed and visited and hung out with ellie. while we were there i really started to not feel well. i ended up falling asleep in the recliner. so we left the hospital so chris could head home.

warning: TMI part of the story coming up

nick and i got home and i told him how i was feeling, i felt like i had a fever. so we took my temperature and i had one. i then went to the bathroom and i ended up passing a very large blood clot, about the size of my fist. 

i FREAKED out. it was scary. and the doctors told me before the discharged me to watch out for clots that size and for fevers.

sooo, off to the ER we went.

nick called chris and let him know what was going on, so he came back so him and nick could give me a blessing. 

while i was in the ER, i had lots of blood work done, had to give a urine sample, constantly had my blood pressure and heart rate checked, had a ultrasound done and everything came back "normal." so they sent me home and said i had a UTI.

sunday came and nick's mom and sister came up and brought us our gifts from the baby shower i had to miss. i legit didn't feel like getting out of bed, so all 4 us just hung out on my bed and opened presents. after that i stayed home and slept while the 3 of them went up to see ellie. i can't even tell you how much i slept that weekend.

later that night nick and i went back up to see ellie and we kept noticing those twitches. we finally got a doctor to come in and she was able to see the twitches and also watch the videos we had of her twitching. we then decided it was best to do an EEG test on her. which delayed her coming home, but we were ok with it, we wanted to have peace of mind rather than getting her home and worrying about what was going on. 

so monday came and they had ellie all hooked up to the EEG. it was sad to see all these wires attached to her. but when we got there the nurse told us that primary children's already had 5 hours of the video sent to them. they also let us know that depending on the results that they may end up doing an MRI as well. which would delay her coming home again. 

so tuesday morning nick went back to work for a bit. i got a call that morning that the preliminary results of the EEG showed no signs of seizures, but that they wanted to do an MRI on her to really try to get to the bottom of everything. i called nick to let him know what was going on and he ended up coming home from work. he told me to try to get some more sleep but i couldn't because i was so cold and couldn't get warm. so i took my temperature...

i had a fever. AGAIN.

so i bundled up and took some tylenol and tried to sleep and sweat off this fever. when i woke up we decided to go up and see ellie since she would be done with her MRI. we found out that she had a small brain hemorrhage, they weren't really sure when it happened, but the good news was that it had stopped and that it wasn't getting any worse. so we were told to watch her at home and to follow up with primary children's when she was 3 months old. it was nice to have answers and to know what was going on. and this also meant that ellie was coming home the next day! we were so excited, but knew we had a little bit to do to get ready for her to come home. 

so we got home and i ended up not feeling well again. we had dinner delivered to us from a family in our ward and we also had some friends in our ward come by and brings us a fiiz. while they were there i knew i was getting a fever again, and i started to get some bad abdominal pain. so nick and our friend dean gave me a blessing. i did really well and felt ok while we were visiting with them, but after they left, things went downhill really fast.

i decided to get in the shower to see if that would help me relax. i could barely walk to the shower. but i got in and tried to relax as much as i could. when i got out of the shower i was shaking uncontrollably and was FREEZING. beyond freezing. i knew i needed to pump but i had no desire to, i was in so much pain. i told nick to bundle me up as much as possible and get me in bed. 

the pain in my stomach went from not bad to excruciating within seconds. i ended up taking my temperature and it was 101. my sister in law told me anything above 100.4 with the abdominal pain to go in right away. i tried taking my temperature a few more times. it was going up and the pain wasn't getting any better. i told nick i wanted him to call 911 because it was so hard for me to move. he asked if he could try carrying me to the car. so we tried.

i've never yelled at nick before. ever. til that night.

it hurt so bad when he picked me up, i can't even describe the pain. it was awful. he put me back down in the bed and tried to get me as comfortable as possible and called 911. soon enough the paramedics were here. they did basic vitals and asked what my symptoms were. when they got here my fever got to 103. they decided it was best to get me to the hospital asap. they asked me where i wanted to go, they were willing to take me up to mckay since that's where i delivered my baby and that's where ellie was. but we all decided it was best to get me to the closest hospital, so we went to the new hospital down the street from our house.

so they rolled me up in a tarp, i literally looked like a human taco, and put me in the ambulance and got me to the hospital. the best part, the paramedic taking care of me looked like tom holland, the new spiderman. so we had a good chat about superheros and marvel movies. it made the drive to the hospital a bit better and took my mind off the pain. i have never in my life been more grateful for firefighters, paramedics, cops, etc. they were so nice and so helpful to nick and i.

i was admitted very quickly and soon enough met the nurses that were taking care of me.

they were the SAME nurses that took care of me saturday.

they were a little sad to see me again, but i just told them i missed them and wanted to hang out with them again. they took my temperature again and it was up to 104. so they got me all hooked up to IV's again, pretty sure i got poked like 6 times or more. i was so dehydrated and my veins were not working out for them. finally i had my two IV's in, got them another urine sample, and got a bunch of blood work done again. soon enough they needed me to do another ultrasound, and you guessed it, it was the same ultrasound tech from saturday night. this was the most uncomfortable ultrasound ever, but i knew it needed to be done. 

after that, they decided to send me in for a CT scan. they wheeled me in there and i had to get up from my hospital bed to the table... PAINFUL. when i'm saying i couldn't move, i literally couldn't move without being in so much pain. once we got that done we just had to wait for the results from that and the ultrasound. a little bit later they came in and told me i had an infection in my colon and that i needed to be admitted and have some IV antibiotics. since we had an answer nick decided to run home to shower and let the cat out since we had to lock her up. while nick was gone, i had some other doctors come in and ask me about what was going on, i honestly can't even remember what kind of doctors they were. but they decided that they wanted to call an OBGYN to come look at me and look at the ultrasound results. 

things started rolling real quick once the OB got involved. there was talk of admitting me to the ICU, there was talk of surgery, talk of giving me a blood transfusion. 

i was seriously freaking out. i was scared.

i was texting nick and telling him all these updates and i wasn't hearing back from him. the OB came in and talked to me about what he saw on the ultrasound and what he thought was going on. i had placenta left in me and it was causing a serious infection and i needed to get to an operating room asap. nick finally got back while i was talking to the OB and he updated nick with everything. he basically told us i needed to have surgery to save my life.

save. my. life.

what??

those words scared me so bad. i didn't realize how bad everything was. i got my blood transfusion going, signed my life away for them to treat me, and was wheeled off to the operating room. i've never had surgery and i've never had anesthesia. i was definitely checking off a list of first things from a not very fun bucket list.

i actually was calm, i was in great hands. the OB was fantastic and the doctors helping him were so great. they all stood by me and held my hand until the anesthesia kicked in. and after what felt like a good long nap, they woke me up and told me the surgery went well and i did great. i was pretty loopy but i remember everything. i asked them if i had a hysterectomy (cause that was a possibility) told them i was done having kids, got very excited when they told me my dad was there, and also gave the OB a very cheerful hello when he came back to check on me. soon enough i was able to go to my room, it was almost 4 in the morning. 

i was greeted by my parents and nick. i had no idea my mom came up too. it was so nice to have them there. we got me all settled and had a game plan for the next day. cause... ellie was coming home and i was still going to be in the hospital. 

we all got some sleep and morning came. my dad came up and spent the morning with nick and i, then in the afternoon my mom came while nick and my dad went up to mckay to pick up ellie from the hospital. i am so grateful for my parents. i'm glad my dad was able to go with nick to pick up ellie from the nicu. it was so hard for me to not be there with nick, being stuck in the hospital knowing that my baby was coming home without me was so hard. but she got to have a sleepover with my parents and i am so glad they were there for her.

everything worked out.

we have had nothing ordinary about our story. 

but, it's our story.

we march to the beat of our own drum.

ellie is our miracle baby.

and we're glad she's here.

thank you to everyone that reached out to nick and i during this crazy time.

the text messages.

facebook messages.

the meals.

the prayers.

everything.

thank you. thank you. thank you.

we appreciate each and every one of you.

ellie marie barfuss {part 1}

i have been debating for a few days on if i should post about ellie's birth story, my experience, and our crazy two weeks we had.

i'm not so good at journals but when i blog, i sure can get my words out.

so here we go.

on january 9th, i went into my therapy appointment. i had been going to see someone since my anxiety had gotten a little worse with pregnancy. while i was there i had mentioned to my therapist that i had been struggling to breath and that was giving me anxiety. she went and told the nurse what was going on and they instantly took me in to do my vitals. my doctor ended up coming in and talking to me and told me my blood pressure was high and that i needed to go be monitored at labor and delivery. i asked her if i could go home and grab stuff and she told me she wanted me to head there right away.

WHAT?!

i had appointments at work that day, i had to call my boss and let him know what was going on. so i made my way up to mckay dee and got checked in. 

i got hooked up to the nst (non stress test) and had an iv put in me to have some fluids and blood work done and had my blood pressure monitored every 15 minutes. about 2 hours later my blood work came back normal but my blood pressure never went down. i was diagnosed with preeclampsia and was told to go on partial bed rest. that was really hard for me, to all the sudden just cut off all my clients and just be done with work. but, i knew it was what needed to be done. i was willing to do anything to keep my baby and myself as healthy as possible. 

i was also told that i would be having the baby at 37 weeks. that was just 3 weeks away. nick and i were both in shock. we really were on a time crunch to get everything ready. 

in those few weeks, i was able to still go to some baby showers and get maternity pictures done. but as the 37 week mark started getting closer i was getting more tired, more uncomfortable, more swollen and my blood pressure wasn't getting any better.

january 22nd, i was at a routine doctors appointment for an nst and to monitor my blood pressure. as i was laying there the machine kept beeping every time my blood pressure was checked. which meant it was high. i could hear the nurses talking that my doctor was in a delivery and to just keep monitoring me. so i just laid there and tried to relax as much as possible. i then hear my doctor come back and i can hear them talking about how far along i am, my blood pressure numbers, etc. i was kind of freaking out at that point. i eventually went back and talked with my doctor, she told me my numbers were really high and asked how my blood pressure was at home. i showed her all my notes on my phone and she took my phone and went out of the room for a second. she came back in and said "i think you're done being pregnant, i need you to call your husband and go to labor and delivery. i'll meet you there in a few hours." 

again. WHAT?!

that walk down the hall to labor and delivery was THE longest ever. i didn't have my hospital bag, i didn't have my husband with me, i was being induced a whole week earlier than planned. everything was changing. 

so, i called nick and said "want to have a baby today?" 

i called my mom and dad and said "want to be grandparents today?"

i called my sister and said "want to be an aunt today?"

then i made my way into labor and delivery. got checked in and got taken back to a room. this time this room had everything, it wasn't just a regular hospital room. i mean, there was the bassinet for the baby after she was born, the scale, everything. things really started to get real. 

my nurse came in and got everything all set up, got my iv's in and all that. i was really worried about being so hungry, all i had that day was a pop tart and a glass of milk! my doctor eventually came in and said, i'm thinking she will labor for 24 hours so let her have a protein shake or something. so i was allowed to eat a little bit. 

nick eventually got there and we basically just hung out til things started moving along. our friends tim and kelsie came and visited for a bit which was a nice distraction. 

then around 5:00 my doctor came back in, said she would see me in the morning to deliver my baby and then broke my water. things REALLY started progressing after that. and i got to feel some real intense contractions. which, i'm glad i got to see how they really feel, but thanks goodness for epidurals. cause i was so calm after i got that. 

i ended up being able to sleep for a while and then sometime during the night, can't remember when, i ended up throwing up. 

all. over. myself.

 i was so embarrassed. but my nurse was so sweet and her and nick helped me get cleaned up and changed my sheets. luckily i felt better after that and was able to go back to sleep for a little while. 

then 2:00 in the morning rolled around, my nurse woke me up and told me it was time to start pushing. and that also meant, my doctor was not there and she would not be delivering my baby. i was a little nervous about that cause i love my doctor but i knew i was in good hands. my contractions weren't super regular so i was actually able to doze off between them and would wake up when i was ready to push next. 

3 hours later and at 4:51 a.m. ellie made her way into this world.

i was smitten. i was shocked. i was proud. i was a whole bunch of emotions. but when ellie came out she didn't cry. they had to take her away. all the sudden there were probably 8 nurses working on her. all i wanted to do was call my mom, the doctor told me to go ahead and do that, so we facetimed her just in time for her to see them hand ellie to me. 

at this point everything is kind of a blur to me. since i had high blood pressure from the preeclampsia i had to have an iv of magnesium hooked up to me during labor and for 24 hours after.  magnesium is the DEVIL. it makes you feel so groggy, out of it, drugged, loopy... you name it. 

i eventually made it to my room in postpartum. things went downhill very quickly from there. i was in SO much pain. and i was so incredibly out of it, so i ended up in a full blown panic attack, and during that i found out ellie had gone to the nicu. during all of this, nick is trying to take care of me, talk with family, be with ellie... it was pure chaos. all i remember from this point forward is getting morphine and sleeping for hoooours. it was nice to sleep, but i still woke up feeling awful because of the dang magnesium. i couldn't even walk to the bathroom, i couldn't eat, and i couldn't even get up to see my baby. so needless to say, i was pretty excited to just get that day over with so i could have the magnesium iv taken out of me. 

the next morning came, and they took me off the magnesium. i was SO excited and slept the rest of it off. i was finally able to walk around with help, i was still in pain and a little weak. but i was able to shower and go see ellie in the nicu. it was so nice to get out of my room and not be laying in bed. 

our last day at the hospital was a bit eventful, we had lots of different doctors coming in and talking to me about discharge, giving me a list of all the medications i needed to take, car seat safety, breast pumping/feeding, etc. that morning we really tried to get me walking around more instead of going around in the wheelchair. so since i did that, my blood pressure and heart rate got high again. so, i almost didn't get discharged. i was ready to go home, i was so over sleeping in that hospital bed. 

so we officially got discharged and went to the nicu before we left to see ellie. leaving the hospital without her was one of the hardest things we have ever done. nick and i were both in tears as we left the hospital. i sat in my wheelchair in the lobby bawling while nick got the car. i didn't even care who saw me crying. i was heartbroken. i knew she was in good hands, mckay has the best nicu, but that still didn't make it any easier. 

to be continued...