maintaining anxiety

So last summer, I posted a blog about my anxiety. You can read about it here if you haven't.

I've really had to learn a lot about what triggers my anxiety, what helps me feel better, etc. 

Well, I certainly have learned that extra stress/stressful situations cause it. Sometimes I can be sitting at home and start feeling anxious. But recently I have learned that adding too many extra things in my life causes it. 

About a month ago I ended up going back to FiiZ to work a few nights a week. I was really excited about it, and the first few weeks were great. But then I started noticing how tired I was, and how late I was sleeping in. I noticed my whole body was hurting and how tense I was. This is most definitely not how I have been feeling that past few months. Then I realized what I was feeling.

ANXIETY.

Definitely a feeling I didn't want having again. Once I started my medicine it took me a few weeks to get used to it, but I really feel like I quickly was able to maintain my anxiety. I mean it didn't go away 100%, I feel it here and there but it hadn't been this bad since last year. It got to the point where all I wanted to do was sit at home and sleep. And literally that's what I would do if I wasn't working. It started getting to the point that I would get so anxious before going into work at FiiZ. I would shake so bad and I really had to talk myself into going in. It was nothing about FiiZ that was causing it. It was just basically after working at the salon I was ready to go home and be home with Nick, cook dinner, run errands, or whatever needed to be done at home. 

My life is well balanced with everything I already have going on, I work full time at the salon, I have my calling in Young Women's, family stuff... I didn't really need to add anything else. I've also realized it's important to have time set aside for yourself.

So after working there a short time, Nick and I decided that it would be best for me to eliminate having a second job. I still need to work on maintaining my anxiety and really need to start listening to my body. I've never been really good at that. I am so grateful for FiiZ for letting me come back and also being so understanding for me needing to leave.

Grandaddy

January 1, 2016, my Grandaddy passed away. It was very unexpected for me. My sister called to tell me and I just couldn't believe it. That was not the phone call I was expecting.

I told Nick I would like to be at the funeral. We talked about it and he said he would figure out a way to get me there, but things don't always go as planned.

I had a flight picked out and everything, and Nick handed me his credit card.

It was expired.

My heart sank.

I couldn't believe it. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to be there so badly. The funeral is on Tuesday. It was Friday night. At this point deep down, I knew I wasn't going.

Saturday morning came and I still was looking at flights for the little ounce of hope I had in me. But, there sat the expired credit card. I thought of how much Christmas money I had, how many tips I had saved up, if there was a way I could drive etc. I even had 2 friends offer to put the plane ticket on their credit cards. But that was too much money to do to a friend.

So it was settled. I wasn't going.

I've been kicking myself ever since. 

So I'm hoping this blog post is a way I can bring me some closure.

My Grandaddy is a strong willed southern man. I always loved that about him. I've always looked up to him and my Granny. I have so many memories of sitting on their back porch drinking Ale8's and watching the fire flies. Memories of Goldy fish fries, frog gigging, boating, Kings Island, watching TV in the den, Grandaddy making his oatmeal for us and his freezer full of ice cream.

And Nick's first trip to Kentucky.

I'm so glad I got to see him last summer and some of his last words to me I will never forget.

"Necie, you done did change your hair!"

I love my Grandaddy. And I'm going to miss his so much.

hello 2016

2016...

you guys. it's 2016. 

i can't even believe it. i honestly feel like 2015 flew.

but it was awesome. seriously.

anyways, this year i decided to do some resolutions, i rarely do "new year resolutions" but i thought maybe i'd give it a go this year, we'll see how i do.

2016 resolutions 

-i got this idea from a friend off facebook, i'm going to read 12 books this year, so my goal is one a month. i'm not much of a reader so i figured this would be a great idea.

-blog more, i figured i would blog after each book i read, so it's a win win! i read. i blog.
-read the book of mormon
- drink more WATER. i'm seriously so bad at this. 
-stay positive. you can ask nick, sometimes i can be a debby downer. but i'm definitely going to work on that.

so cheers! here's to 2016!