time

i constantly tell people that i feel like i was robbed of my time with ellie when she was a newborn baby. because lets be honest, PPD is a cruel five letter word and i wouldn't wish it upon anyone.

i left my newborn at the NICU.

i didn't even get to bring my newborn home.

i didn't bond with her when she came home.

i hated every minute of being alone with her.

i felt lost, trapped, and upset with how things went after having her.

her first 3 months of life are a complete fog.

i honestly don't remember much of it. and i hate it. i look at pictures and remember taking them, but don't really remember much of that day, because i wasn't enjoying myself.

seeking help for my PPD was the best thing i could have done for myself. also having nick home helped me out. but it's still just a complete fog. 

i realize now that wishing to get that time back isn't going to do me any good. i unfortunately had to go through what i went through and there's nothing i can do about it. 

i came across a quote on pinterest that said 

"you still have time. make it count."

so, that's what i did. 

i make every moment with ellie count. i cherish all these times i have with her. she's only this little once and i need to

make it count.