Mom guilt

mom guilt.

urban dictionary says:

guilt a mother feels anytime she makes time to do something for herself, outside of work, that does not involve her children.

google says:

mom guilt is the feeling of guilt, doubt, anxiousness or uncertainty  experienced by mothers when they worry they're failing or falling short of expectations some way. for many moms-particularly new, working or single moms-the variable that contribute to this phenomenon are numerous and intense.

preach google and urban dictionary.

i have mom guilt at work.

i have mom guilt at home, even when i'm WITH ellie.

i have mom guilt when i run to the store alone.

etc.

let me explain my feelings.

when i'm at work, i constantly am thinking about how i could be at home with ellie. but when i'm at home and we are having a rough day, i wish i could get out and go have "me time" but when i go have that time to myself, i feel SO guilty. i feel like i should be at home with ellie. i shouldn't be feeling like i should want to be away from her. but yet, here i am, crying my eyes out while she's crying hers out because we are both exhausted and i want out of this house.

but if i left, i'd feel like sh**. just sayin'

finding balance as a (new)mom is hard. 

it has been 4 months since i've been back at work and i still am feeling guilty about leaving ellie. and when i'm at work she's with my mother-in-law, for pete's sake i should be fine! she's not with a stranger.

i feel like on the good days i have at work i'm not allowed to feel that way. i feel guilty for having a good day without her. 

my mom guilt stems a lot for delores (remember, anxiety has a name.) delores is in my head... A LOT. she likes to make me feel this way. and i know a lot of you are probably like "girl, you're fine" or "sheesh, just tell yourself you're an awesome mom and get over it."

if only it were that easy.

i DO know i'm a great mom.

i DO know i'm doing everything i can for ellie.

i DO know i'm doing what's best for me.

still these feelings persist.

so, where my momma's at? any of you felt this way?

Introduction

hey.

hi.

hello.

i'm denise.

and this is my blog.

i know i have blogged before. thank you to those that have read it in the past. but, i'm kind of am going to give it a face lift. blog more often. blog about real life. be real, raw, and open.

so let me tell you a little bit about myself. 

like i said, i'm denise.

i'm married to the most wonderful man, nick.

we have been married for 9 years.

we have a cat named kaliope. 

and we have our beautiful baby girl ellie.

so that makes us the barfi.

i do hair.

nick is an outside sales manager.

kaliope is a professional sun bather.

and ellie is doing her thing just being a baby and keeping us young.

so. why the new introduction? 

my previous blog posts have been pretty open and real before.

i figured now that i own an actual computer. (thanks GotMac)

i would probably be better at blogging.

and i also figured "starting from the beginning" would be a good place to start.

"lets start at the very beginning, a very good place to start..."

(thanks julie andrews)

i suffer from some pretty severe anxiety.

my anxiety has a name, it's delores. so if i ever refer to the name delores, i'm talking about my anxiety.

got it? 

awesome!

writing has seemed to always help me in the past. late at night delores likes to get in the way of me sleeping sometimes. and that's when my mind starts going. and i think of all these blog posts i could write. and i never do.

so this is it. i'm going to do it.

i'm going to blog more about

 life.

ellie.

nick.

family.

anxiety.

lets do this thing.