anxiety-the struggle is real.

I never thought I would post something like this. But it always seems to help me when I write about things. 

This is a subject that I've always been ashamed to talk about and have never really been open about it. But lately I've realized it's ok to be open about it and that there is nothing wrong with me. 

So. Here it goes.

My name is Denise and I struggle with anxiety and severe panic attacks.

Anxiety has always been a part of my life. I just never really realized it until I got older. 

My first year down at UVU was when it all started. That was a really hard year for me. You really start to get to know yourself when you are out on your own. I am so lucky to have had some great roommates that helped me through some hard hard times.

I also finally realized that I can tell my mom ANYTHING. Seriously you guys, TALK TO YOUR MOTHER! She lent me her shoulder to cry on many times during that year of school. I can truly say that my mom is my very best friend.

Anyways, we will fast forward to the summer of 2009. The first time I had a panic attack. I didn't really understand what was going on, I had never had one before. It was late and my parents were in bed and I wasn't really sure what to do. My sister was still awake and out on the front porch with her boyfriend Brian (her now husband.) They let me sit with them and tried to calm me down. It was honestly the scariest thing ever. But I eventually calmed down and was able to go back to sleep. 

I remember just kind of shrugging it off like nothing had happened and moved on, I honestly don't know if my parents ever even found out about it.  

A few months later I started dating Nick, everything was good and I was super happy. Anxiety never got in the way, I would stress every now and then but nothing major. 

I had one little panic attack the day before my wedding but it was nothing compared to the one I had a few months before. But everything was fine and our wedding day was perfect.

I loved being a newlywed and was so excited to start the next chapter with Nick.

Everyone says your first year of marriage is the hardest.

FALSE.

Well, at least for us anyways. I feel like our first year was a breeze! So was our second and third. 

Then last year happened. Nicks dad passed away. It's something I always knew would happen, but it was still so hard. I was so hard on myself about how I didn't spend enough time with him, how my kids would never know Grandpa Larry, and also trying to help Nick out. 

Then that same summer we moved to Layton, a new area where we knew no one. I quickly started  to learn that I do not handle change very well. We luckily are in a great ward that welcomed us with open arms. Which definitely helped out.  

Then I was working at a soda shop as a General Manager, STRESSFUL. And I was also not doing hair. I just felt like everything was a jumbled mess. I always felt so anxious and panicky. Nothing felt right. I'd get up, go to work, come home and that was it. 

I eventually knew I needed to leave the soda shop, I figured it would just resolve all the anxiety I had. So I started applying for jobs at salons.

After many salon visits. I found the best salon ever.

But, things didn't end the way I thought they would at the soda shop. I ended up just trying moving on and tried to forget about it.

Que the second panic attack I've had.

Poor Nick has never seen anything like it. He helped me through it and calmed me down. I still had days where I felt anxious. But I just kept ignoring it. I didn't want to have it. I wanted to feel normal. 

But, it never went away. I would get anxiety over the littlest things and of course over the big things. 

In July I had probably one of the hardest clients I've ever dealt with. I stayed very late at the salon to make sure my client left happy. So I finally went home and Nick and I were able to go get some dinner. I really tried so hard to get over what had just happened with the client. But my brain does not allow me to do that, I just keep thinking about it and replayed EVERYTHING in my head. My mom called and I told her what had happened. My heart was racing.

So usually when I feel anxious I like to go on drives, so Nick and I started to go on one. I have never felt so claustrophobic in my life. I honestly wanted to jump out of the car. So I told Nick to go home. 

We got home.

Que the third panic attack.

This one, oh man. Was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me. It was awful.

I felt sick, light headed, dizzy, my body was as stiff as a board. I didn't know what to do. I was having terrible thoughts, I told myself over and over again I was a horrible hairdresser and that I was going to quit my job. I knew I needed help. 

Nick finally asked me if I wanted to go to the E.R.

The EMERGENCY ROOM!

You guys, that freaked me out so bad. I thought they were going to think I was a total nut case and they were going to put me in a psych ward. 

Instead, he called my parents. And they talked us out of going there and at 1 a.m. they came all the way to Layton and sat with me. And that was the best thing than what any doctor could do. 

I knew I needed to seek some help about this. It was decided that I would go to work the next day and call a doctor the next week to find out what we could do.

And I am so grateful that I went to the doctor. He was so helpful and was able to convince me that I am NORMAL. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with me. This is just how I was made. 

So yes, I take medicine for my anxiety and that's ok. I am still Denise! I am still me!

I've learned so much from all of this, and learned to not be ashamed of this anymore. I am so grateful for my husband who has helped and supported me through all of this. And also my parents, it was so nice to finally let them know about what was going on. It honestly wasn't worth it to hide my problems from them.

Sorry about the long and lengthy post. This honestly was so good for me to write this all out. So thanks if you read all of this. I'm so grateful for all of you.

-Denise

time for an update

I figured it was time to update my blog since it has been since September since I updated it. 

I kind of stopped writing in general, I used to write in my journal every day. I had a "grateful" journal that I would write in every night about what I was grateful for through out the day.

When my father-in-law passed away last June I started writing in it as a normal journal, writing down my thoughts and feelings during the whole experience of him passing away and the funeral. After a few weeks of writing, it started to get exhausting. It was emotionally exhausting. I wasn't ready to write about it. So I stopped. 

But...

I'm back and ready to write again! And finish my journal.

So what are Nick and I up to?

Well, Nick is still working at Clark Security and going to school. He is a little more than halfway done with school. (yay!)

As for me, I am still working at FiiZ. Although my last day is next Friday, such a bittersweet feeling. I'm going to miss everyone there. But I am so excited for my new job at the salon. I seriously found the perfect salon. I am so incredibly happy to be there and love everyone I work with. They make me feel like family. 

We are also enjoying being homeowners. It's so nice to have our own place, we are slowly but surely making it our own.

Nick and I also have callings in our ward, I am the Beehive adviser in the Young Women, and Nick is the Teacher's adviser in the Young Men. 

I love my calling and I know Nick loves his. It has been so fun to work with the youth. I know we were meant to have these callings. 

I know we are right where we are supposed to be. 

Life. Is. Great. 

not giving up

as most of you know, i ended up leaving the salon i worked at in downtown salt lake. 

it was a hard decision, but i knew it was the right thing to do. there are many reasons why i decided to leave, one of them being that i knew none of my clients were going to follow me to layton. i knew eventually i would need to work up here. so i figured i might as well start working up here now.

so i found a salon in downtown ogden. and let me tell you, this has been one of the hardest transitions ever. i like my salon, very easy going and laid back. i do pay booth rent, but it allows me to make my own schedule and work whenever i want. 

last week was my first week there, and i didn't have a single client. it was really hard for me to just sit there. i felt like i was in a whole new state. i don't know anyone in davis/weber county. i still am getting to know all the girls i work with, and like i said i have no clientele. i'm starting all over again.

i know i am not going to have a clientele over night. i know i'm going to have to work really hard for this. 

i'm not giving up. although there have been many times since i graduated hair school that i wanted to give up. i feel like i can't seem to find my niche in this industry. i think i have learned in my past year of doing hair, that i need to be my own boss. i want to be able to do what i want. which with the salon i am able to. i get to choose when i work, what product i want to use, what hours i want to work, i could stay there til midnight if i wanted to. 

so with the flexibility of this job and having to pay booth rent while building a clientele, i have to have another job. which is ok.

i was able to find me another part time job at a soda shop called FiiZ. they are so great, they are willing to work with my schedule at the salon and for that i am grateful.  

so yes, i do work at a soda shop. yes, my other job has nothing to do with the hair industry, and i am OK WITH IT. i don't mind working in the food industry. {i did do culinary school for a year after all} and not to mention i love my job there, it's so easy and so much fun. it's nice to have a little variety in my life. 

so cheers to a new salon, a new adventure, and to FiiZ, nothing is getting in my way and i'm not giving up.  

summer 2014

well, summer 2014 is slowly coming to a close, and i am actually rather excited about it, sorry summer lovers. 

we started summer out with a bit of a rough start with the passing of nicks dad, but we still had some fun times.

highlights of summer 2014

- bought a house

- celebrated my 25th birthday

- went to the neon trees concert

- played on a sand volleyball league 

- celebrated the 4th of july at the murray parade
- went to the MoTab pioneer day concert
- had my family reunion 
- discovered pineview reservoir up ogden canyon
- went to see wicked {while having heat stroke}
- went camping/fishing with my parents
- went to the paul mccartney concert with my mom 

and to top off the end of our summer this weekend nick and i are going to the keith urban concert.
i think we had a pretty decent summer, but i'm ready to welcome the fall! 
hope everyone enjoyed their summer!

one month

june seems like such a blur to me.

it's already been a little over a month since my father-in-law passed away.

i feel like he has been in arizona this whole time. 

anytime we do something new to the house, or just anything exciting goes on in our lives, i reach for my phone to text my father-in-law. 

when nick and i got the keys to our house, i sent a picture of nick opening the door to my mother-in-law. nick instantly thought, "oh crap, we forgot to tell dad!" 

these little reminders that he isn't here are painful. 

but...

he is with us.

i constantly remind myself what my 8 year old nephew said to me the day of his funeral "you know what's neat? we'll always have grandpa with us, in our hearts."

i am so grateful for my eternal family and for the gospel. it has made this process easier for me.

there isn't a day that goes by that i don't think of my father-in-law. i miss him very much, but it is always so great to think about all the fun times i had with him.

nick and i have definitely felt all the love and support we have had from everyone over the past month, we love and appreciate you all so much.

homeowners

it's finally official.

nick and i are finally homeowners!

we couldn't be more excited about this and we are so excited to start our new adventure. we are already loving it so much.

it feels so great to have our own little home, it's all ours. i can't wait to start decorating and making it our style. 

once we are all moved in and set up i will post pictures.

also, if anyone needs our new address, comment, personal message me on facebook or text me and i will gladly give it to you.

after 6 moves, i am so glad this one is permanent for a long time. 

thanks to all our family who helped us move, y'all are the best! 

thank you

these past few weeks have gone by so fast. having my father-in-law pass away is something i have feared since nick and i started dating. but my sister-in-law said it best "dad made the best bounce back ever." he did, he really did. he is now pain free and he can breath again. what a comforting thought that is.

nick and i have been so grateful for all the love and support we have received these past few weeks. all the text messages, facebook messages, the phone calls and treats left on our doorstep have meant so much to us. 

we both were so lucky to have jobs that just let us take off for a week, which meant so much to us. we were able to be there through all of this and be with our family. i feel so much closer to my family and for that i am grateful. i am so proud to be a barfuss, and i am so glad i got to join an amazing family.

i am grateful for my eternal family. what a wonderful feeling it is knowing that i get to see my father-in-law again someday. 

my 8 year old nephew brady told me at the funeral "you know what's great, we get to have grandpa with us always. in our hearts" we sure do buddy, i know he will always be there for us, even though his body is not here with us right now.

and last, thank you to my amazing husband. he has been a rock through this, he is such an amazing example to me, and i am so grateful that we have had each other during this difficult time. 

thank you, to everyone. we love you all.