anxiety-the struggle is real.

I never thought I would post something like this. But it always seems to help me when I write about things. 

This is a subject that I've always been ashamed to talk about and have never really been open about it. But lately I've realized it's ok to be open about it and that there is nothing wrong with me. 

So. Here it goes.

My name is Denise and I struggle with anxiety and severe panic attacks.

Anxiety has always been a part of my life. I just never really realized it until I got older. 

My first year down at UVU was when it all started. That was a really hard year for me. You really start to get to know yourself when you are out on your own. I am so lucky to have had some great roommates that helped me through some hard hard times.

I also finally realized that I can tell my mom ANYTHING. Seriously you guys, TALK TO YOUR MOTHER! She lent me her shoulder to cry on many times during that year of school. I can truly say that my mom is my very best friend.

Anyways, we will fast forward to the summer of 2009. The first time I had a panic attack. I didn't really understand what was going on, I had never had one before. It was late and my parents were in bed and I wasn't really sure what to do. My sister was still awake and out on the front porch with her boyfriend Brian (her now husband.) They let me sit with them and tried to calm me down. It was honestly the scariest thing ever. But I eventually calmed down and was able to go back to sleep. 

I remember just kind of shrugging it off like nothing had happened and moved on, I honestly don't know if my parents ever even found out about it.  

A few months later I started dating Nick, everything was good and I was super happy. Anxiety never got in the way, I would stress every now and then but nothing major. 

I had one little panic attack the day before my wedding but it was nothing compared to the one I had a few months before. But everything was fine and our wedding day was perfect.

I loved being a newlywed and was so excited to start the next chapter with Nick.

Everyone says your first year of marriage is the hardest.

FALSE.

Well, at least for us anyways. I feel like our first year was a breeze! So was our second and third. 

Then last year happened. Nicks dad passed away. It's something I always knew would happen, but it was still so hard. I was so hard on myself about how I didn't spend enough time with him, how my kids would never know Grandpa Larry, and also trying to help Nick out. 

Then that same summer we moved to Layton, a new area where we knew no one. I quickly started  to learn that I do not handle change very well. We luckily are in a great ward that welcomed us with open arms. Which definitely helped out.  

Then I was working at a soda shop as a General Manager, STRESSFUL. And I was also not doing hair. I just felt like everything was a jumbled mess. I always felt so anxious and panicky. Nothing felt right. I'd get up, go to work, come home and that was it. 

I eventually knew I needed to leave the soda shop, I figured it would just resolve all the anxiety I had. So I started applying for jobs at salons.

After many salon visits. I found the best salon ever.

But, things didn't end the way I thought they would at the soda shop. I ended up just trying moving on and tried to forget about it.

Que the second panic attack I've had.

Poor Nick has never seen anything like it. He helped me through it and calmed me down. I still had days where I felt anxious. But I just kept ignoring it. I didn't want to have it. I wanted to feel normal. 

But, it never went away. I would get anxiety over the littlest things and of course over the big things. 

In July I had probably one of the hardest clients I've ever dealt with. I stayed very late at the salon to make sure my client left happy. So I finally went home and Nick and I were able to go get some dinner. I really tried so hard to get over what had just happened with the client. But my brain does not allow me to do that, I just keep thinking about it and replayed EVERYTHING in my head. My mom called and I told her what had happened. My heart was racing.

So usually when I feel anxious I like to go on drives, so Nick and I started to go on one. I have never felt so claustrophobic in my life. I honestly wanted to jump out of the car. So I told Nick to go home. 

We got home.

Que the third panic attack.

This one, oh man. Was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me. It was awful.

I felt sick, light headed, dizzy, my body was as stiff as a board. I didn't know what to do. I was having terrible thoughts, I told myself over and over again I was a horrible hairdresser and that I was going to quit my job. I knew I needed help. 

Nick finally asked me if I wanted to go to the E.R.

The EMERGENCY ROOM!

You guys, that freaked me out so bad. I thought they were going to think I was a total nut case and they were going to put me in a psych ward. 

Instead, he called my parents. And they talked us out of going there and at 1 a.m. they came all the way to Layton and sat with me. And that was the best thing than what any doctor could do. 

I knew I needed to seek some help about this. It was decided that I would go to work the next day and call a doctor the next week to find out what we could do.

And I am so grateful that I went to the doctor. He was so helpful and was able to convince me that I am NORMAL. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with me. This is just how I was made. 

So yes, I take medicine for my anxiety and that's ok. I am still Denise! I am still me!

I've learned so much from all of this, and learned to not be ashamed of this anymore. I am so grateful for my husband who has helped and supported me through all of this. And also my parents, it was so nice to finally let them know about what was going on. It honestly wasn't worth it to hide my problems from them.

Sorry about the long and lengthy post. This honestly was so good for me to write this all out. So thanks if you read all of this. I'm so grateful for all of you.

-Denise