maintaining anxiety

So last summer, I posted a blog about my anxiety. You can read about it here if you haven't.

I've really had to learn a lot about what triggers my anxiety, what helps me feel better, etc. 

Well, I certainly have learned that extra stress/stressful situations cause it. Sometimes I can be sitting at home and start feeling anxious. But recently I have learned that adding too many extra things in my life causes it. 

About a month ago I ended up going back to FiiZ to work a few nights a week. I was really excited about it, and the first few weeks were great. But then I started noticing how tired I was, and how late I was sleeping in. I noticed my whole body was hurting and how tense I was. This is most definitely not how I have been feeling that past few months. Then I realized what I was feeling.

ANXIETY.

Definitely a feeling I didn't want having again. Once I started my medicine it took me a few weeks to get used to it, but I really feel like I quickly was able to maintain my anxiety. I mean it didn't go away 100%, I feel it here and there but it hadn't been this bad since last year. It got to the point where all I wanted to do was sit at home and sleep. And literally that's what I would do if I wasn't working. It started getting to the point that I would get so anxious before going into work at FiiZ. I would shake so bad and I really had to talk myself into going in. It was nothing about FiiZ that was causing it. It was just basically after working at the salon I was ready to go home and be home with Nick, cook dinner, run errands, or whatever needed to be done at home. 

My life is well balanced with everything I already have going on, I work full time at the salon, I have my calling in Young Women's, family stuff... I didn't really need to add anything else. I've also realized it's important to have time set aside for yourself.

So after working there a short time, Nick and I decided that it would be best for me to eliminate having a second job. I still need to work on maintaining my anxiety and really need to start listening to my body. I've never been really good at that. I am so grateful for FiiZ for letting me come back and also being so understanding for me needing to leave.

Grandaddy

January 1, 2016, my Grandaddy passed away. It was very unexpected for me. My sister called to tell me and I just couldn't believe it. That was not the phone call I was expecting.

I told Nick I would like to be at the funeral. We talked about it and he said he would figure out a way to get me there, but things don't always go as planned.

I had a flight picked out and everything, and Nick handed me his credit card.

It was expired.

My heart sank.

I couldn't believe it. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to be there so badly. The funeral is on Tuesday. It was Friday night. At this point deep down, I knew I wasn't going.

Saturday morning came and I still was looking at flights for the little ounce of hope I had in me. But, there sat the expired credit card. I thought of how much Christmas money I had, how many tips I had saved up, if there was a way I could drive etc. I even had 2 friends offer to put the plane ticket on their credit cards. But that was too much money to do to a friend.

So it was settled. I wasn't going.

I've been kicking myself ever since. 

So I'm hoping this blog post is a way I can bring me some closure.

My Grandaddy is a strong willed southern man. I always loved that about him. I've always looked up to him and my Granny. I have so many memories of sitting on their back porch drinking Ale8's and watching the fire flies. Memories of Goldy fish fries, frog gigging, boating, Kings Island, watching TV in the den, Grandaddy making his oatmeal for us and his freezer full of ice cream.

And Nick's first trip to Kentucky.

I'm so glad I got to see him last summer and some of his last words to me I will never forget.

"Necie, you done did change your hair!"

I love my Grandaddy. And I'm going to miss his so much.

hello 2016

2016...

you guys. it's 2016. 

i can't even believe it. i honestly feel like 2015 flew.

but it was awesome. seriously.

anyways, this year i decided to do some resolutions, i rarely do "new year resolutions" but i thought maybe i'd give it a go this year, we'll see how i do.

2016 resolutions 

-i got this idea from a friend off facebook, i'm going to read 12 books this year, so my goal is one a month. i'm not much of a reader so i figured this would be a great idea.

-blog more, i figured i would blog after each book i read, so it's a win win! i read. i blog.
-read the book of mormon
- drink more WATER. i'm seriously so bad at this. 
-stay positive. you can ask nick, sometimes i can be a debby downer. but i'm definitely going to work on that.

so cheers! here's to 2016!

Gratitude

grat·i·tude

ˈɡradəˌt(y)o͞od/

noun

1. the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.

OK, I'm going to be honest. I have been BURSTING with gratitude lately. 

I love seeing facebook/instagram gratitude posts. I haven't done them myself, but every time I see someone's I can't help but think about something I'm grateful for.

A few weeks ago in Young Women's we had a lesson on being grateful. And one of the activities was to assign each of the girls a letter from the alphabet and they had to list things they were grateful for with that letter. 

I got the letter D.

D!

What in the world was I grateful for that started with that letter?? So it really got me thinking. Here's what I thought of:

Denise (of course, because I'm awesome)

Dogs

Dresses

Dad

Doors

Deseret Book

D.I.

Doritos Locos Tacos

It really was hard to think of things with the letter D. Which was the point of the lesson. Sometimes we forget the little things that we are grateful for.. like doors. 

Like I said at the beginning of my post, lately I have been bursting with gratitude, and of course blogging about it is just what I wanted to do. 

So, here we go.

Nick.

He is my rock. My world. My love. My best friend. I'm so grateful for him, he does so much for us and I am so glad I am his wife. I couldn't imagine life without him. Thank you for everything you do for me.

HairMax.

Where do I even begin? I had such a hard time finding a salon up here in Davis county. HairMax was my last stop after a day of applying at salons and they were honestly my last hope. I can't even begin to tell you how excited I was when they hired me. I am so grateful to work there, I love everyone I work with so much. They really have become a 2nd family to me. 

Layton.

Our move to Layton honestly was such a great decision. I love living up here. I love our neighborhood, we have some pretty awesome neighbors! 

And our ward up here is amazing. I love our callings too, it's been so fun to have us both working with the youth.

Medicine.

A few months ago I posted about my anxiety. You can read the post here. I am so glad I put my pride aside and went to a doctor. I'm still not perfect and I have anxiety come and go. But honestly I feel so much better. I'm so grateful for a doctor that sat and listened to me and helped figured out what was best for me.

I won't bore you with everything else I'm grateful for. But honestly, ever since that lesson in Young Women's I have just felt so grateful, even with the little things. Those cute Beehives sure came up with some great things to be grateful for with the letters they were assigned, and it just really made me stop and think that it's not that hard to just take a little time out of my day and think of the little things to be grateful for. 

You should try it! Here's a letter to start with...

M

ward trunk or treat

I love Halloween. It's my favorite holiday.

I love that our ward does a trunk or treat, it's the perfect kick off to the holiday!

This year the Young Women did a little carnival for the primary kids. It turned out so great! The laurels did face painting, the mia maids did a fishing pond, and the beehives did doughnut on a string.

I went a little over board on the doughnuts... which is a good thing because I think some kids came back like 5 or 6 times! And of course a few of the youth came and had a try at it.

After everyone ate and the carnival died down, it was time for trunk or treating! It's so fun to see all the kids in their costumes. Of course Nick and I dress up.

Nick is such a good sport with Halloween costumes. I usually come up with them, but he thought of these costumes last year! I've been waiting all year for this. It was fun to finally see it all come together.

After a fun night of trunk or treating, a FiiZ run was in order. Especially for Nick... poor guy had a headache from his wig and goggles. Of course a diet coke would do the trick.

One night of Halloween fun down, one more to go.

the random man at bowmans.

Ok, let me give some background on this story before I jump right in.

Monday morning I did not feel like getting up and doing my hair. So I decided to sleep an extra hour and have it be a mandatory hat day for me.

So I wore my straw fedora hat to work.

Now for the real story.

So it was finally lunch time and I decided I wanted a loaded baked potato from Bowman's and of course a drink from FiiZ.

So I drove to Bowman's first. (yup it's across the street from my work and I drove...can you say lazy??)

I got out of my car and saw an older gentleman walking in as well, he looked at me and said "Where did you get that hat?? You must have done theater to get a hat like that!" 

So I just smiled and said "No, just a lazy day today."

Then he noticed my apron and my wedding ring and says "Wow, a hairdresser too! And you're married! How long have you been married? 3 years?"

Me: "No, I've actually been married for 5 years going on 6.

Him: "Wow! You must be getting older then! Did you marry young and marry one of those RM's fresh off their mission??"

Me (laughing): "Yeah basically, I'm 26 and I got married at 20"

Him: "Any kids yet?"

Me: "No, not yet."

Him: "Well that's alright! You're doing things right! Sorry if I am getting personal!"

Me (still giggling): "You are fine!"

Him: "One more question, how long did it take for you after you got married to tell your husband to stop doing certain things that bothered you?"

Me: "Hmmm...I don't know, maybe a day or two"

Him: "I bet it was a few hours! HAHA! Have a great day!"

I seriously can't even begin to tell you all how much this man reminded me of my grandpa, and Nick! 

My grandpa would stop anyone he felt like talking to and just have a random conversation with them. We have some many pictures of him just sitting with strangers carrying on a conversation. I love it. And Nick already does stuff like this, so I called Nick and told him what had happened and I told him that would be him in the future.

So, to the random man at Bowman's...

Thanks for making my Monday that much better and for making me laugh. 

It's little things like this that just make my day.

forgive and forget

Forgive and forget.

This is something I need to tell myself more often. 

With past events that have happened this year, which I will not go into detail about, I've learned that holding onto a grudge is not healthy. And to be honest, it's exhausting! 

I know holding onto grudges is not good for my anxiety. Because I will dwell on it and think about it and eventually I will just want to explode. I will do whatever it takes to keep anxiety out of my life, and better yet another panic attack.

So, moving on and letting go is what I did.

And I feel so much better. Life is so much better, more positive.

I don't dwell on what happened anymore. And because of that I'm more happy... and to be honest, I'm sure Nick is too. I know it was exhausting for him to have to deal with all my venting and worries. (but he was the best support through everything, I don't know what I would have done without him.)

Being the bigger person is hard, and setting your pride aside is just as hard, but it also can help you feel so much better. 

I'm glad I've moved on and let go. It was needed.