"weaning"

wean¹

wēn/

verb

gerund or present participle: weaning

So I know I don't blog very much. I always say I want to do better.

But when I do blog it's usually to get something off my mind.

So in the past I have blogged about my anxiety. I have actually been rather open about it. I like being able to talk about it, I think it actually helps me cope and feel better about it.

But lately, I have let it get the best of me. I was still on my medicine, but I was starting to get really low self esteem, comparing myself to others, worrying about what other people thought about me, and worrying about hurting peoples feelings. It got hard cause some people would just tell me to stop stressing and not worry about it. But that's not how anxiety works. So I stopped being open about it. I started bottling up my emotions again, I only would really share with Nick and sometimes my friend Kelsie. So after a few weeks of this constant battle, Nick and I decided to take an extra step. 

Counseling.

Something I never really thought I would do. 

So I have been going for the past 4 weeks. Nick went with me to my first session. We were able to share what was going on and Nick was able to share his side of everything that was going on. The counselor shared with me how my brain works and what I needed to do in order to control my "anxiety" part of my brain.

In the first session he talked about me going off my medication. The FIRST session! I freaked out in his office, I told him there was NO WAY. 

So over the past few weeks I was able to tell him what some triggers were and some things that have happened in my past that have caused anxiety attacks, and he has given me some exercises to help overcome "anxiety" situations. We have definitely figured out what causes my anxiety. And all the sudden all these little things in the past have made sense. It was like completing a puzzle.

So in those few weeks I have gone to counseling, my numbers have gone down immensely. 

Let me explain the numbers.

Every week he has me take a questionnaire. It's the same questions every week. It's questions about "how do you feel about yourself" or "do you get frustrated at work easily" stuff like that.

 My first week I took it my numbers were pretty high. But as I have gone to visit with him my numbers have gone down. Which is great! So we made the goal to get me off my medication 100%. He honestly thinks it's not really doing anything for me anymore and that I'm a lot more confident than I think I am. He thinks I'm able to handle situations on my own without being on medicine.

And honestly... I think he's right.

So I have started to wean myself off my medicine.

It's still a scary thought to be off medication. But I know it's the right thing to do. I really do feel I am capable of handling life and anxiety situations by myself. And I also have an amazing husband who will also be by my side to help me.

Anxiety will always be a part of me. But, it doesn't have to control me. 


*edit as of 12:16 in the morning. after i wrote this and started really thinking about it, i of course.... had a mini melt down. doesn't help that nick is gone and i was home alone, but you guys... i am HUMAN. we all have break downs. this isn't going to be the easiest thing in the world and i know it's going to take time to get used to this and for my body to get used to the medicine not being in my system but i'm still confident in trying this out. so bare with me in the next few weeks. i may or may not be crazy, weird, emotional... or be TOTALLY fine. we'll find out! thanks for listening. peace.*