time

i constantly tell people that i feel like i was robbed of my time with ellie when she was a newborn baby. because lets be honest, PPD is a cruel five letter word and i wouldn't wish it upon anyone.

i left my newborn at the NICU.

i didn't even get to bring my newborn home.

i didn't bond with her when she came home.

i hated every minute of being alone with her.

i felt lost, trapped, and upset with how things went after having her.

her first 3 months of life are a complete fog.

i honestly don't remember much of it. and i hate it. i look at pictures and remember taking them, but don't really remember much of that day, because i wasn't enjoying myself.

seeking help for my PPD was the best thing i could have done for myself. also having nick home helped me out. but it's still just a complete fog. 

i realize now that wishing to get that time back isn't going to do me any good. i unfortunately had to go through what i went through and there's nothing i can do about it. 

i came across a quote on pinterest that said 

"you still have time. make it count."

so, that's what i did. 

i make every moment with ellie count. i cherish all these times i have with her. she's only this little once and i need to

make it count.

Mom guilt

mom guilt.

urban dictionary says:

guilt a mother feels anytime she makes time to do something for herself, outside of work, that does not involve her children.

google says:

mom guilt is the feeling of guilt, doubt, anxiousness or uncertainty  experienced by mothers when they worry they're failing or falling short of expectations some way. for many moms-particularly new, working or single moms-the variable that contribute to this phenomenon are numerous and intense.

preach google and urban dictionary.

i have mom guilt at work.

i have mom guilt at home, even when i'm WITH ellie.

i have mom guilt when i run to the store alone.

etc.

let me explain my feelings.

when i'm at work, i constantly am thinking about how i could be at home with ellie. but when i'm at home and we are having a rough day, i wish i could get out and go have "me time" but when i go have that time to myself, i feel SO guilty. i feel like i should be at home with ellie. i shouldn't be feeling like i should want to be away from her. but yet, here i am, crying my eyes out while she's crying hers out because we are both exhausted and i want out of this house.

but if i left, i'd feel like sh**. just sayin'

finding balance as a (new)mom is hard. 

it has been 4 months since i've been back at work and i still am feeling guilty about leaving ellie. and when i'm at work she's with my mother-in-law, for pete's sake i should be fine! she's not with a stranger.

i feel like on the good days i have at work i'm not allowed to feel that way. i feel guilty for having a good day without her. 

my mom guilt stems a lot for delores (remember, anxiety has a name.) delores is in my head... A LOT. she likes to make me feel this way. and i know a lot of you are probably like "girl, you're fine" or "sheesh, just tell yourself you're an awesome mom and get over it."

if only it were that easy.

i DO know i'm a great mom.

i DO know i'm doing everything i can for ellie.

i DO know i'm doing what's best for me.

still these feelings persist.

so, where my momma's at? any of you felt this way?

Introduction

hey.

hi.

hello.

i'm denise.

and this is my blog.

i know i have blogged before. thank you to those that have read it in the past. but, i'm kind of am going to give it a face lift. blog more often. blog about real life. be real, raw, and open.

so let me tell you a little bit about myself. 

like i said, i'm denise.

i'm married to the most wonderful man, nick.

we have been married for 9 years.

we have a cat named kaliope. 

and we have our beautiful baby girl ellie.

so that makes us the barfi.

i do hair.

nick is an outside sales manager.

kaliope is a professional sun bather.

and ellie is doing her thing just being a baby and keeping us young.

so. why the new introduction? 

my previous blog posts have been pretty open and real before.

i figured now that i own an actual computer. (thanks GotMac)

i would probably be better at blogging.

and i also figured "starting from the beginning" would be a good place to start.

"lets start at the very beginning, a very good place to start..."

(thanks julie andrews)

i suffer from some pretty severe anxiety.

my anxiety has a name, it's delores. so if i ever refer to the name delores, i'm talking about my anxiety.

got it? 

awesome!

writing has seemed to always help me in the past. late at night delores likes to get in the way of me sleeping sometimes. and that's when my mind starts going. and i think of all these blog posts i could write. and i never do.

so this is it. i'm going to do it.

i'm going to blog more about

 life.

ellie.

nick.

family.

anxiety.

lets do this thing.

PPD - my story

PPD

postpartum depression

i've debated on posting about this subject. it's definitely a touchy subject and is sometimes hard to talk about. 

BUT...

it really needs to be talked about. 

so, here's my story.

after our roller coaster of a few weeks in january, i was so excited to get back to normal, recover, have a routine and to start this new adventure. after having my surgery i felt so much better and that next week nick went back to work. i was on my own at home with ellie. i was so excited and things were going great. but during the second week of him being back at work things started to not feel right. i could tell i was feeling more anxious, depressed, disconnected from ellie. i chalked it up to the rough few weeks i had and my hormones just being out of whack. 

but things started to get bad. i was getting frustrated so easily, i was crying constantly. when ellie cried, i cried. one day i got so frustrated that ellie was screaming and i couldn't figure out how to buckle her into her swing. i was in a full mental breakdown. one night i was crying so much i couldn't even feed her. i had to hand her off to nick. i knew something was wrong but i still wanted to be strong and do everything on my own. 

one morning i had texted nick after he got to work and asked if he could come work from home. i was fed up. and to be honest, i wanted nothing to do with ellie. so nick came home and was able to help me out that day. it definitely helped, but i still was an emotional hot mess. that night around 4 a.m. ellie started crying, and it hadn't been long since she ate. i started crying in bed, i tried to be quiet because i didn't want nick to hear me. like i said, i wanted to be strong.

but he heard me... and asked me what was going on.

i sobbed and said "i hate my life."

i regretted ellie. i wanted things to be the way they used to be. i constantly was thinking i had ruined our lives and that things were better just the two of us. 

que panic attack.

at that point both nick and i knew something was really wrong and this was more than just the baby blues and my anxiety. i instantly got on my computer and emailed my doctor. 

the next morning my doctors office called me. there was only so much she could do so she suggested that i go to the behavioral health center at the hospital. it's basically an ER for patients with mental health problems. 

i was nervous. i didn't want to go there. i just wanted to talk to my doctor, she knew what was going on. but, it's not her area of expertise. yes, she knows all about postpartum depression. but i needed help immediately. and i needed help from someone that could talk me through what was going on and dig deep into my brain.

so nick and i got ellie in her car seat and headed up to the hospital. we walked in and the entrance is just this tiny room with an office and lockers. i told them what was going on and they checked me in. they told me nick could not come with me and i needed to empty my pockets and give all my belongings to nick. they then scanned me with a metal detector and let me go in. at that point i was officially freaked out. i felt like a nut case, i felt stupid, i felt like i didn't need to be there, i felt alone.

after they did all my vitals they then sent me into a room with a crisis counselor/psychiatrist. 

she asked for the basics of what was going on then all the sudden she dug DEEP into my brain... like i'm talking we went all the way back to high school and college. but, i'll spare you all those details of my life. 

after almost talking to her for 2 hours i was able to go home. i was so relieved they didn't admit me. i really didn't want another hospital stay. i was given new medication and some tips and tricks to help with the postpartum depression at home. she also suggested that nick take a leave from work. she felt it was best that i wasn't alone with the baby for a bit. i felt like a kid. i felt like i was being punished and that i wasn't able to be trusted with my own baby. i was crushed. i felt like a failure as a mom. 

but i was NOT a failure. i just needed a little extra help. and it's ok to ask for help.

having nick take a leave from work was the best thing for me. for us. i realized that i did need to get my emotions under control and also have time to let the medication really start working. it was good because nick was able to bond with ellie. nick and i were able to figure out our new journey of parenthood. we were able to get a fresh new start after everything that we went through. 

these past few months have been some of the hardest times, but also some of the most rewarding. i'm so grateful that nick has been able to have some time off work. it really has been so helpful and we have been able to work on getting me back to feeling myself again and to also just be a little family. 

postpartum depression is real. SO real.

this post was not easy for me to write, but i hope it can help someone out. 

because there is help. and there is hope. you just have to reach out. and it's ok to feel a little crazy after having a baby.

PPD will go away. it's not permanent. just be patient with yourself, your baby, and your spouse.

after the complete hell i've been through, it's all been worth it. i have a beautiful daughter. and i wouldn't trade her for anything in this world. 

ellie marie barfuss {part 2}

so nick and i left the hospital and headed home. i'm pretty sure i cried the whole way home. i was just a hot mess and full of emotions. we both ended up taking a nap when we got home, which was much needed before we headed back up to the hospital again to see ellie. 

having a nicu baby is very exhausting. i was trying to breastfeed her and pump so i could deliver the milk for the nurses to give her when i couldn't be there. breastfeeding is really hard. especially to a baby that is early. she's doing all these things that she shouldn't be doing yet. it's like running a marathon, getting her to latch exhausted her, and my milk wasn't in so she wasn't getting food right away so she would get frustrated. it was hard for the both of us.

saturday 1/26 rolled around. we went to breakfast with my parents and headed up to the hospital to see ellie. it was my moms birthday so of course seeing ellie was a good way to start her day. that morning i woke up not feeling the best. at breakfast i felt very hot and flushed. i just kept telling myself i was tired and i just had a baby so it was normal. 

after my parents left we stayed at the hospital and waited for ellie's next feeding. by the time we got back to the nicu, ellie had been moved from the isolette into a bassinet! ellie was progressing and it was so great to see. 

later that night we went back up to the hospital with nick's brother chris. while we were there that was when we started to notice ellie's  twitching. we asked the nurse about it and they said she just had an underdeveloped nervous system since she was born prematurely. so we just stayed and visited and hung out with ellie. while we were there i really started to not feel well. i ended up falling asleep in the recliner. so we left the hospital so chris could head home.

warning: TMI part of the story coming up

nick and i got home and i told him how i was feeling, i felt like i had a fever. so we took my temperature and i had one. i then went to the bathroom and i ended up passing a very large blood clot, about the size of my fist. 

i FREAKED out. it was scary. and the doctors told me before the discharged me to watch out for clots that size and for fevers.

sooo, off to the ER we went.

nick called chris and let him know what was going on, so he came back so him and nick could give me a blessing. 

while i was in the ER, i had lots of blood work done, had to give a urine sample, constantly had my blood pressure and heart rate checked, had a ultrasound done and everything came back "normal." so they sent me home and said i had a UTI.

sunday came and nick's mom and sister came up and brought us our gifts from the baby shower i had to miss. i legit didn't feel like getting out of bed, so all 4 us just hung out on my bed and opened presents. after that i stayed home and slept while the 3 of them went up to see ellie. i can't even tell you how much i slept that weekend.

later that night nick and i went back up to see ellie and we kept noticing those twitches. we finally got a doctor to come in and she was able to see the twitches and also watch the videos we had of her twitching. we then decided it was best to do an EEG test on her. which delayed her coming home, but we were ok with it, we wanted to have peace of mind rather than getting her home and worrying about what was going on. 

so monday came and they had ellie all hooked up to the EEG. it was sad to see all these wires attached to her. but when we got there the nurse told us that primary children's already had 5 hours of the video sent to them. they also let us know that depending on the results that they may end up doing an MRI as well. which would delay her coming home again. 

so tuesday morning nick went back to work for a bit. i got a call that morning that the preliminary results of the EEG showed no signs of seizures, but that they wanted to do an MRI on her to really try to get to the bottom of everything. i called nick to let him know what was going on and he ended up coming home from work. he told me to try to get some more sleep but i couldn't because i was so cold and couldn't get warm. so i took my temperature...

i had a fever. AGAIN.

so i bundled up and took some tylenol and tried to sleep and sweat off this fever. when i woke up we decided to go up and see ellie since she would be done with her MRI. we found out that she had a small brain hemorrhage, they weren't really sure when it happened, but the good news was that it had stopped and that it wasn't getting any worse. so we were told to watch her at home and to follow up with primary children's when she was 3 months old. it was nice to have answers and to know what was going on. and this also meant that ellie was coming home the next day! we were so excited, but knew we had a little bit to do to get ready for her to come home. 

so we got home and i ended up not feeling well again. we had dinner delivered to us from a family in our ward and we also had some friends in our ward come by and brings us a fiiz. while they were there i knew i was getting a fever again, and i started to get some bad abdominal pain. so nick and our friend dean gave me a blessing. i did really well and felt ok while we were visiting with them, but after they left, things went downhill really fast.

i decided to get in the shower to see if that would help me relax. i could barely walk to the shower. but i got in and tried to relax as much as i could. when i got out of the shower i was shaking uncontrollably and was FREEZING. beyond freezing. i knew i needed to pump but i had no desire to, i was in so much pain. i told nick to bundle me up as much as possible and get me in bed. 

the pain in my stomach went from not bad to excruciating within seconds. i ended up taking my temperature and it was 101. my sister in law told me anything above 100.4 with the abdominal pain to go in right away. i tried taking my temperature a few more times. it was going up and the pain wasn't getting any better. i told nick i wanted him to call 911 because it was so hard for me to move. he asked if he could try carrying me to the car. so we tried.

i've never yelled at nick before. ever. til that night.

it hurt so bad when he picked me up, i can't even describe the pain. it was awful. he put me back down in the bed and tried to get me as comfortable as possible and called 911. soon enough the paramedics were here. they did basic vitals and asked what my symptoms were. when they got here my fever got to 103. they decided it was best to get me to the hospital asap. they asked me where i wanted to go, they were willing to take me up to mckay since that's where i delivered my baby and that's where ellie was. but we all decided it was best to get me to the closest hospital, so we went to the new hospital down the street from our house.

so they rolled me up in a tarp, i literally looked like a human taco, and put me in the ambulance and got me to the hospital. the best part, the paramedic taking care of me looked like tom holland, the new spiderman. so we had a good chat about superheros and marvel movies. it made the drive to the hospital a bit better and took my mind off the pain. i have never in my life been more grateful for firefighters, paramedics, cops, etc. they were so nice and so helpful to nick and i.

i was admitted very quickly and soon enough met the nurses that were taking care of me.

they were the SAME nurses that took care of me saturday.

they were a little sad to see me again, but i just told them i missed them and wanted to hang out with them again. they took my temperature again and it was up to 104. so they got me all hooked up to IV's again, pretty sure i got poked like 6 times or more. i was so dehydrated and my veins were not working out for them. finally i had my two IV's in, got them another urine sample, and got a bunch of blood work done again. soon enough they needed me to do another ultrasound, and you guessed it, it was the same ultrasound tech from saturday night. this was the most uncomfortable ultrasound ever, but i knew it needed to be done. 

after that, they decided to send me in for a CT scan. they wheeled me in there and i had to get up from my hospital bed to the table... PAINFUL. when i'm saying i couldn't move, i literally couldn't move without being in so much pain. once we got that done we just had to wait for the results from that and the ultrasound. a little bit later they came in and told me i had an infection in my colon and that i needed to be admitted and have some IV antibiotics. since we had an answer nick decided to run home to shower and let the cat out since we had to lock her up. while nick was gone, i had some other doctors come in and ask me about what was going on, i honestly can't even remember what kind of doctors they were. but they decided that they wanted to call an OBGYN to come look at me and look at the ultrasound results. 

things started rolling real quick once the OB got involved. there was talk of admitting me to the ICU, there was talk of surgery, talk of giving me a blood transfusion. 

i was seriously freaking out. i was scared.

i was texting nick and telling him all these updates and i wasn't hearing back from him. the OB came in and talked to me about what he saw on the ultrasound and what he thought was going on. i had placenta left in me and it was causing a serious infection and i needed to get to an operating room asap. nick finally got back while i was talking to the OB and he updated nick with everything. he basically told us i needed to have surgery to save my life.

save. my. life.

what??

those words scared me so bad. i didn't realize how bad everything was. i got my blood transfusion going, signed my life away for them to treat me, and was wheeled off to the operating room. i've never had surgery and i've never had anesthesia. i was definitely checking off a list of first things from a not very fun bucket list.

i actually was calm, i was in great hands. the OB was fantastic and the doctors helping him were so great. they all stood by me and held my hand until the anesthesia kicked in. and after what felt like a good long nap, they woke me up and told me the surgery went well and i did great. i was pretty loopy but i remember everything. i asked them if i had a hysterectomy (cause that was a possibility) told them i was done having kids, got very excited when they told me my dad was there, and also gave the OB a very cheerful hello when he came back to check on me. soon enough i was able to go to my room, it was almost 4 in the morning. 

i was greeted by my parents and nick. i had no idea my mom came up too. it was so nice to have them there. we got me all settled and had a game plan for the next day. cause... ellie was coming home and i was still going to be in the hospital. 

we all got some sleep and morning came. my dad came up and spent the morning with nick and i, then in the afternoon my mom came while nick and my dad went up to mckay to pick up ellie from the hospital. i am so grateful for my parents. i'm glad my dad was able to go with nick to pick up ellie from the nicu. it was so hard for me to not be there with nick, being stuck in the hospital knowing that my baby was coming home without me was so hard. but she got to have a sleepover with my parents and i am so glad they were there for her.

everything worked out.

we have had nothing ordinary about our story. 

but, it's our story.

we march to the beat of our own drum.

ellie is our miracle baby.

and we're glad she's here.

thank you to everyone that reached out to nick and i during this crazy time.

the text messages.

facebook messages.

the meals.

the prayers.

everything.

thank you. thank you. thank you.

we appreciate each and every one of you.

ellie marie barfuss {part 1}

i have been debating for a few days on if i should post about ellie's birth story, my experience, and our crazy two weeks we had.

i'm not so good at journals but when i blog, i sure can get my words out.

so here we go.

on january 9th, i went into my therapy appointment. i had been going to see someone since my anxiety had gotten a little worse with pregnancy. while i was there i had mentioned to my therapist that i had been struggling to breath and that was giving me anxiety. she went and told the nurse what was going on and they instantly took me in to do my vitals. my doctor ended up coming in and talking to me and told me my blood pressure was high and that i needed to go be monitored at labor and delivery. i asked her if i could go home and grab stuff and she told me she wanted me to head there right away.

WHAT?!

i had appointments at work that day, i had to call my boss and let him know what was going on. so i made my way up to mckay dee and got checked in. 

i got hooked up to the nst (non stress test) and had an iv put in me to have some fluids and blood work done and had my blood pressure monitored every 15 minutes. about 2 hours later my blood work came back normal but my blood pressure never went down. i was diagnosed with preeclampsia and was told to go on partial bed rest. that was really hard for me, to all the sudden just cut off all my clients and just be done with work. but, i knew it was what needed to be done. i was willing to do anything to keep my baby and myself as healthy as possible. 

i was also told that i would be having the baby at 37 weeks. that was just 3 weeks away. nick and i were both in shock. we really were on a time crunch to get everything ready. 

in those few weeks, i was able to still go to some baby showers and get maternity pictures done. but as the 37 week mark started getting closer i was getting more tired, more uncomfortable, more swollen and my blood pressure wasn't getting any better.

january 22nd, i was at a routine doctors appointment for an nst and to monitor my blood pressure. as i was laying there the machine kept beeping every time my blood pressure was checked. which meant it was high. i could hear the nurses talking that my doctor was in a delivery and to just keep monitoring me. so i just laid there and tried to relax as much as possible. i then hear my doctor come back and i can hear them talking about how far along i am, my blood pressure numbers, etc. i was kind of freaking out at that point. i eventually went back and talked with my doctor, she told me my numbers were really high and asked how my blood pressure was at home. i showed her all my notes on my phone and she took my phone and went out of the room for a second. she came back in and said "i think you're done being pregnant, i need you to call your husband and go to labor and delivery. i'll meet you there in a few hours." 

again. WHAT?!

that walk down the hall to labor and delivery was THE longest ever. i didn't have my hospital bag, i didn't have my husband with me, i was being induced a whole week earlier than planned. everything was changing. 

so, i called nick and said "want to have a baby today?" 

i called my mom and dad and said "want to be grandparents today?"

i called my sister and said "want to be an aunt today?"

then i made my way into labor and delivery. got checked in and got taken back to a room. this time this room had everything, it wasn't just a regular hospital room. i mean, there was the bassinet for the baby after she was born, the scale, everything. things really started to get real. 

my nurse came in and got everything all set up, got my iv's in and all that. i was really worried about being so hungry, all i had that day was a pop tart and a glass of milk! my doctor eventually came in and said, i'm thinking she will labor for 24 hours so let her have a protein shake or something. so i was allowed to eat a little bit. 

nick eventually got there and we basically just hung out til things started moving along. our friends tim and kelsie came and visited for a bit which was a nice distraction. 

then around 5:00 my doctor came back in, said she would see me in the morning to deliver my baby and then broke my water. things REALLY started progressing after that. and i got to feel some real intense contractions. which, i'm glad i got to see how they really feel, but thanks goodness for epidurals. cause i was so calm after i got that. 

i ended up being able to sleep for a while and then sometime during the night, can't remember when, i ended up throwing up. 

all. over. myself.

 i was so embarrassed. but my nurse was so sweet and her and nick helped me get cleaned up and changed my sheets. luckily i felt better after that and was able to go back to sleep for a little while. 

then 2:00 in the morning rolled around, my nurse woke me up and told me it was time to start pushing. and that also meant, my doctor was not there and she would not be delivering my baby. i was a little nervous about that cause i love my doctor but i knew i was in good hands. my contractions weren't super regular so i was actually able to doze off between them and would wake up when i was ready to push next. 

3 hours later and at 4:51 a.m. ellie made her way into this world.

i was smitten. i was shocked. i was proud. i was a whole bunch of emotions. but when ellie came out she didn't cry. they had to take her away. all the sudden there were probably 8 nurses working on her. all i wanted to do was call my mom, the doctor told me to go ahead and do that, so we facetimed her just in time for her to see them hand ellie to me. 

at this point everything is kind of a blur to me. since i had high blood pressure from the preeclampsia i had to have an iv of magnesium hooked up to me during labor and for 24 hours after.  magnesium is the DEVIL. it makes you feel so groggy, out of it, drugged, loopy... you name it. 

i eventually made it to my room in postpartum. things went downhill very quickly from there. i was in SO much pain. and i was so incredibly out of it, so i ended up in a full blown panic attack, and during that i found out ellie had gone to the nicu. during all of this, nick is trying to take care of me, talk with family, be with ellie... it was pure chaos. all i remember from this point forward is getting morphine and sleeping for hoooours. it was nice to sleep, but i still woke up feeling awful because of the dang magnesium. i couldn't even walk to the bathroom, i couldn't eat, and i couldn't even get up to see my baby. so needless to say, i was pretty excited to just get that day over with so i could have the magnesium iv taken out of me. 

the next morning came, and they took me off the magnesium. i was SO excited and slept the rest of it off. i was finally able to walk around with help, i was still in pain and a little weak. but i was able to shower and go see ellie in the nicu. it was so nice to get out of my room and not be laying in bed. 

our last day at the hospital was a bit eventful, we had lots of different doctors coming in and talking to me about discharge, giving me a list of all the medications i needed to take, car seat safety, breast pumping/feeding, etc. that morning we really tried to get me walking around more instead of going around in the wheelchair. so since i did that, my blood pressure and heart rate got high again. so, i almost didn't get discharged. i was ready to go home, i was so over sleeping in that hospital bed. 

so we officially got discharged and went to the nicu before we left to see ellie. leaving the hospital without her was one of the hardest things we have ever done. nick and i were both in tears as we left the hospital. i sat in my wheelchair in the lobby bawling while nick got the car. i didn't even care who saw me crying. i was heartbroken. i knew she was in good hands, mckay has the best nicu, but that still didn't make it any easier. 

to be continued...

stop waiting for friday

i found this quote on pinterest the other day, and it kind of hit me really hard and made me think about how i'm living life and how i need to switch up a few things.

stop waiting for friday,

for summer,

for someone to fall in love with you,

for life.

happiness is achieved when you stop waiting for it 

and make the most of the moment you are in now.

um. hello wake up call.

i most definitely need to stop waiting for life to happen. i am often so hard on myself cause i feel like i'm not where i'm supposed to be at in life. 

let me give you an example before everyone goes saying "um yeah you are! look at you, you have a house, a career, a loving husband" and yes i do have all those things and i most definitely am grateful for those things. but there's one thing i really struggle with and i  constantly am "waiting" for it to happen.

a baby.

nick and i have been trying to get pregnant for more than a year now. and it's something that has been really hard for me to deal with. i often am super hard on myself because i am pretty sure more than half of my friends have kids and people that are younger than me have kids. i always say in my mind "why can't that be me?" "why don't i have kids yet?" etc. etc. etc. i’m sure i sound so selfish by thinking those thoughts, but i know i can’t be the only one. 

although i do think it's important to be hopeful, wishful and positive. it's also important to live life to the fullest and be more focused on what is going on in life at that very moment. i can't control when nick and i get pregnant. but i do have hope that it will happen soon and that when it does, i will live life in that moment and not take a second of it for granted. 

this quote has not left my mind since i read it and i hope that i can start living life in the moment and "stop waiting for friday." it’s something i really want to start working on.